It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Saturday, January 08, 2011
withers away @ 12:37 am

back to civilization! what an experience. though i'm dead tired, i enjoyed it and i'm sure my girls enjoyed it too. they were the craziest bunch of people among everyone! standing up and dancing away during campfire. gonna have more problems with that in future, but the most impt thing here is to have fun no? i love my girls! :D

conversation with the camp trainer:
ray: so how long have u been in this job?
me: not v long. in fact i'm new. just joined last year.
ray: oh really? how old are u?
*v v short silent pause*
ray: oh no sorry i forgot... (that he shldnt ask abt a girl's age)
me: nah its ok. i'm 23. (deliberately leaving out the fact that i'm turning 24 v soon)
ray: oh then u're not much older than me.
me: oh really? so how old are u?
ray: i'm turning 21.
and i heard he's waiting to get into uni.
conclusion: getting old alr. SIGH.

It's something Mystical

Sunday, January 02, 2011
withers away @ 5:25 pm

first post of the year, so let's talk abt smth merry. (instead of sch reopening or resolutions or. whatever)
backdated log of my korea trip. LOL.

11122010 11.05pm kor time
eating fresh, big strawberries while watching some non-subbed kor drama in a 6-star hotel. this is life.
last night must be the best flight i ever had. drank my red wine too fast and ended up feeling dizzing. then came the inevitable puking. great. air stewardess' english wasn't the best (obviously, they're korean), so she ended up giving me cold water instead when i asked for warm water. but she was v nice and offered to give me candies to ease the dizziness. obviously she thought i puked from the turbulance.
but anyhow, i enjoyed the view from the window, as usual. i liked how you could easily identify cities or towns from the lights. not like in SG where there're lights everywhere.
it's so v cold here, with the temp being in constant sub-zero. went to nam'i island first thing we landed, and of cos i was excited as it's the shooting site for winter sonata. miraculous how u can still remember scenes from a show from so long ago. it's a decade already!
dongdaemun was useless for shopping as it was all winter clothing. accessories aren't that cheap either.
lotte world theme park was interesting, though there wasn't much time to go round evthg in 3 hrs, with all that queueing up. only went for some ride and watched the parade. i was an idiot to completely forget abt going to the carousel they filmed for stairway to heaven. kns. total kns. to think i was looking forward towards that as well.
time to go slp. flying jeju tml!

13122010 2.50pm
on the flight back to daegu from jeju.
ytd morning we went to visit one of the 5 palaces in seoul. it must be the coldest of all days, as i was freezing all the way to my toes. it almost felt like i was having frostbite.
after that we took a domestic flight to jeju. looking out of the plane was a beautiful sight. lovely sea and sand! had the legendary ginseng chicken for lunch.
at the mysterious road, it was a matter of visual illusion that we see our bus with the engine switched off going up the hill when in actual fact, it was going downhill. pretty cool actually. but the coolest part wasn't this. i saw my colleague when iw as on the bus! she was crossing the road in front of our bus. so obviously i couldn't call out to her.
then we went to make kimchi, not for ourselves, but for orphans. thought that's a pretty good way of dealing with our kimchi. then we tried on hambuks for free.
upon reaching the hotel, just when i stepped into the lobby, there was a loud shout across for me. spun around and saw my colleague! fancy meeting someone else u know in a foreign land.
later mum and i went to shop at their supermarket. bought some stuff, though not much. there's lots of food and drinks to sample, so much so we were pretty full from eating and drinking. haha. they dun give shopping bags, so u either buy from them (100 won each) or byob, or, u can actually get flattened cardboard boxes near the cashier (those that used to store the goods before being put on shelves), construct your box again and carry your groceries out in a box. so cute.
back in the hotel, i was flipping chns in the 5 star hotel while mum was bathing. then she came out and i went in. luckily for me that i wanted the toilet first and not bathe straight away, cos it suddenly went out of electricity! it was srsly pitch black. all the rooms on the level were pitch black. luckily the corridor lights didnt go out. everyone just came out of their rooms to see what was going on, while i was trying to pluck the emergency torch out of its handle on the wall. when i finally got it out, the lights came back on soon after. what an experience.

13122010 10.08pm
this morning was quite a wasted time in jeju. since ytd, it was raining a lot and it didn't stop at all! continued all the way till we left jeju.
we went to some mountain near the sea but cos it was raining so heavily, none of us even went out near the mountain trail or near the sea to take any photos. our coats were all wet even during the short distance we walked to the toilet. and we did have umbrellas with us ok. my umbrella nearly flew off cos the wind was so strong.
then we went to pick tangerines. in the rain. v inconvenient to go betw the trees to pluck tangerines with umbrellas and the provided pliers. and the camera. in the mud somemore. jeans got dirty here.
oh but we did enjoy the atv ride later even though it was in the rain as well. basically it's a 4 wheel motorcycle. 四轮越野摩托车。we were covered frm head to toe so none of our clothes or shoes got wet or dirty. we had a helmet, a full length overall suit, and even plastic bags for our shoes. oh it felt good to ride ard and feel the wind and rain in your face. yoohoo!
then we went to the folk village, where some episodes of da chang jin was filmed there. this is when mum starts to get excited as she recognised the site.
we then left jeju early cos the rain cut short our visit to certain places. this time round there wasn't much to see during the flight as it was raining quite badly still.
but. we did go to shop! and cos we were early, we had a lot more time ot shop ard, which we're thankful for, cos the prices here are much lower than dongdaemun.

14122010 11.30pm
we're in yongpyong ski resort! all the memories abt winter sonata come back again, as this is the ski resort they filmed at. just finished eating green tea ice-cream. it's only 1000 won and i think that's pretty cheap. and it's good too.
had a v nice surprise at the room (or maybe i shld call it a suite). except for day 1, all our twin / double rooms have been converted into triple rooms. this time, it's a suite. complete with a living room, kitchen, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. bedrooms are tatami style. its almost like a chalet already. flooring of the whole house is installed with heaters.
anyway, this morning, we went to some temple and it was kinda freezing cold. but the scenery was pretty. then we went to spa valley, where u could go swim, spa, sauna, or whatever. quite a no. of us only went for doctor fish, which is the fish spa. first time doing it and omg it was so itchy! i was squealing and squirming away.
after lunch, we were to set off to yongpyong. but the driver had trouble driving out to the main road due to some construction works. driver tried hard to do a 3 point turn with the help of some man by the road, and still banged the stone wall at the side of the road while reversing. and u're wondering what was the man doing. i wonder too. best part was that we were seated ath the last row, so got the impact hardest. driver went down to check and deemed the bus fine to continue the journey.
anyhow, it started to get colder and colder outside on our way to yongpyong. it go so cold that ice started forming on the outside of the window, and we see snow on the ground outside, though not too thick yet. no luck with seeing snow from the sky though.
rented our ski clothes and goggles alr. bought gloves too. looking fwd to skiing tml! can see the ski slopes frm our hotel. v beautiful scene.

15122010 4.53pm
during breakfast buffet this morning, the spread wasn't great (in fact it was one of the worst so far), but they were playing the winter sonata ost! omg damn cool. all the scenes came back as each song unfolded, esp my fav track... feel like watching the show all over again. oh so romantic.
we were supposed to go for the gondola ride first, but the weather conditions were so bad they cancelled the ride. wind's too strong.
after that we were off to skiing! went to rent our ski, ski boots and poles. oh my they were really v heavy and bulky. after wearing and adjusting them, finally we were ready to ski, armed frm head to toe.
then we headed out into the open. the wind was so strong i was literally nearly blown off and needed to hold on to someone for support. it was like what, -15deg?! it was seriously, seriously freezing cold. nthg compared to this. kns... our tour guide, xiaoyan, taught us how to do ski, one on one. periodically we were being hit by strong winds and some ppl will get blown a few steps downhill. so that's a little little feel of how it's like to be in a snowstorm. i was shivering w/i my ski clothes already.
cos there were too many ppl to attend to, i ended up trying to ski myself instead of waiting for xiaoyan to coach me. oh my it was fun! skiing is easy; the difficult part is taking off my skis, carrying them uphill and putting them on again. the skiing itself was so fantastic. though i'd have enjoyed it more if i had company.
some time later, i got tired cos it was v difficult to get up on your feet after falling down. went back into the cafe which had a good view of the ski area and laughed at others skiing or boarding. so bad. hehe. but we did witness a v nasty accident. someone lost ctrl and zoomed downhill at full speed, somersaulted in the air a couple of rounds before landing in the snow. it was so bad the first aid team had to come in and put her on a stretcher to pull her away. apparently she's a singaporean. really quite scary.

16122010 10.34pm
back in grand hilton and going back tml. today was pretty happening as well.
cos it was so cold at yongpyong we all nearly died just simply getting up the bus from the hotel. still freezing even on the bus itself. now, the inside of the bus windows were covered in a thin layer of ice.
then we headed for everland. was still freezing along the way. with the windows still frozen. turns out later that the anti-freezing device on the bus has frozen. how. ironic. anyway, thankfully there weren't many people in the themepark yet, so we all went for the safari ride first, where waiting time was only 5 min. we literally just chiong-ed in. saw tigers, lions, bears and a cross breed between a lion and a tiger. the bears are so huge they stand up and lean against the bus and their paws are just on the window next to u. driver opened his window to feed them biscuits. of cos the window is wired. their paws are. huge.
after that we went for lunch, then went to the supposed haunted house. its essentially a shooting game in the dark. then went for a snow ride which was fun! then it was time to go, after getting penguin hehe.
then we set off for seoul. but, the bus broke down halfway. we suspect that the temp's too cold for the bus. anyhow, that took a lot of time and ate up our time for the namshan park trip. so we only had time to go to the beauty academy where we were using korea's top selling brand of skincare pdts.
we had dinner at a floating restaurant on the Han River. each pair of us were given a box of strawberries complimentary frm the tour agency as compensation for missing out on the gondola ride, and tml's lunch will be provided for instead of free and easy to compensate for the namshan park.
off to bed and shopping tml!

17122010 3.50pm
plane's been delayed, or else i'll be on the plane by now. so here's me writing at the gate waiting to board.
the best part of the day (aside frm the shopping), must be when we came down to the lobby and xiaoyan said it's snowing outside. finally we see snow. like kids, we ran out outside, without gloves nor long johns. was essentially in singapore-like attire + down jacket. dun care. hahah. this snow is different frm jpn's one, where it was so thick and we could just pick up snow beside us and throw snowballs at each other.
anyway, today's supposed to be free and easy but we were being brought ard to many diff places to shop. there was ginseng, purple crystal, skincare and foodstuff. spent so much at the skincare place as though evthg was free. it was just TAX free, not free. had to pack evthg in a box to bring back to sg.
the worst part of the trip must be the parting. took photos with xiaoyan, jae and lena.
Lena was our tour leader frm sg. whenever we had to take a flight, she would disappear earlier to settle our seats and boarding passes. all the hotel rooms were settled by her too. she was v helpful and was the one working behind the scenes to make sure that evthg would run smoothly without a glitch.
Xiaoyan was our tour guide in korea. i must admit that i didn't exactly like her from the very beginning. she can be v direct at times, and i guess that doesnt sit well with everyone right from the start. but as time goes by, u can tell that she is indeed a v hardworking tour guide who tries her best for her customers all the time. taking a korea map to explain the korea war in simple terms, measuring our ski boot sizes during the bus journey, writing out korean words on a spreadsheet to teach us simple korean. whether it be squatting to help us put on our ski boots, holding on to the old ladies as we walked or teaching the mothers on board how korean mums take care of their kids, she does have our interest at heart. a v personal moment was when i was skiing. i was trudging uphill with my skis and poles when i saw this guy on skiboards coming down in my direction. well, i dunno if he's a pro or a rookie, so i didn't know if i should give way and which way to go. so i instinctively stayed rooted and hugged my stuff and froze there while he whizzed by me. xiaoyan was v tickled by my reaction and came running across the snow and hugged me, laughing away. frm the first day when we were all quiet on the bus, till the 2nd or 3rd day when there was so much laughter, all thanks to xiaoyan.
Jae was our official photographer. he doesnt know much chinese or english actually. what he knows is v specific to his job of serving us, rather than normal conversational language. we werent exactly sure of his role at first, cos he just seemed like an assistant tour guide, helping us with the luggage, helping old ladies down the bus (and he would help all of us too actually), running ard refilling our food, contacting the restaurants etc. v willing to help whenver u need it. ok i even got him to hold my shopping bag when we needed to go to the toilet ooops. he looked relaly good on the last day, in his full suit, tie and leather shoes. if the story told by xiaoyan is true, he does have quite a family to support. he's 26, just out of NS, with 2 younger sisters. dad has kidney failure and requires dialysis, mum's peeling potatos in a restaurant kitchen. well, as singaporeans, we chose to believe it and many bought the photos that he took.

met this guy during the trip and we didnt get to talk to each other till we were sitting across the aisle on the return flight to SG. turns out that we're the same age (he completely doesnt look like it im sorry) and he's in medicine year 4 now. ok at first he thought i was some sec sch kid. oh and we're frm the same jc in the first 3 mths. what a small world afterall.

wonderful memories of the trip. i wanna go overseas again soon!

It's something Mystical